Monday, September 13, 2010
What's my escape?
There is nothing to see here folks.
I just watched a movie of heartache and it rekindled that dead feeling in my stomach that I would do anything to avoid, but it was so good to feel again. I've been trying hard to write lately, but it's all been forced thought, It doesn't work, it tires and frustrates me greatly... I need to feel, not write from the head but write from the heart... that's where my creation is. The C chord reminds me of forced happiness. Every fault I pick out in everyone else, is only something I dislike that's hiding within myself that I'm trying to suppress as I don't like that characteristic... I think sometimes I need to stop trying to shape myself and just be myself. I have too many opposing thoughts that I just feel like one big contradiction. It's hard to walk that fine line. Plus I think it's boring. Everything about reality completely bewilders me to the point where I just wish I would cease to exist. Anticipated expectations always give me bad advice. I get scared when I knock on peoples doors, I feel like I'm being watched... In fact every time I'm alone in public, I'm very conscious, I feel like everyones watching me so I mostly look down. Why did I get a tummy drop when I saw I had a new inbox? When I'm down or angry I shut my lips. I breathe heavily through my nose, subconsciously to calm me down I'd say... usually my lips are always open. I am sad. I feel suppressed. I feel like I need to cry, to ball my eyes out and release all the frustration through salty tears and hiccups, I want to be cuddled, but I don't want to be caught crying, in fact I don't even know how to cry properly, I feel it, but then I try force it... so it too becomes fake. I hate how I'm almost as big a pushover as my mum. Usually I listen to music when I drive, but not lately. My escape's probably been my dreams. So why do I put off sleep? Could do with a good back massage.